i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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