Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
