I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
