He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
