A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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