I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
3 2 1 whiskey
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
