I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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