I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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