i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
