Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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