im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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