I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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