i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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