Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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