She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm just crazy horny about you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
