I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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