I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
