cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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