I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
