giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
