dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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