how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
