and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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