She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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