i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
