she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
