I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
