Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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