I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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