Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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