I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
