I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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