I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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