After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
