I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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