I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
