And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
