Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
