Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
