You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
