My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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