the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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