She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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