Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
