community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
