I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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