Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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