he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
