On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
