I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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