a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
