yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
