I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
