We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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